• Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
• Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
• Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
• Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
• "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
• While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
• Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
• Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
• Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes.
• Insist that your e-mail address be: "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com "
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
• Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask him/her to settle the disagreement.
• Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
• Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
• Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
• Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
• For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
• Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
• Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

53 Tips for Surviving a Horror Movie:

1. If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.
2. Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house.
3. When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you. If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there!
4. If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it's time to leave.
5. Never read aloud from a book that summons demons. Even as a joke.
6. Don't look under the bed.
7. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
8. If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.
9. If relatives or pets come back from the dead, don't approach them and ask "What did you come back to do?"
10. If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area.
11. If you've hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found, do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your hiding place. If you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.
12. Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."
13. It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.
14. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. (Note: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.)
15. When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone. The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the better "your" chance of escape.
16. Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.
17. If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible.
18. If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.
19. If you've just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" dead.
20. As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
21. Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.
22. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.
23. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear that they would break easily.
24. If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it, with anything.
25. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately or else you will quickly die.
26. If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, Don't go after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to see what's wrong." If you are in a boat, head for shore.
27. If appliances start operating by themselves, you are in danger.
28. Do not accept/take anything from the dead.
29. If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.
30. If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.
31. If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.
32. If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably deserted for a damn good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
33. Don't play with ouija boards. If you do and the ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.
34. If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately.
35. Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or Satan.
36. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you know what you are doing.
37. Make sure that your weapon is really loaded before you try to use it.
38. If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from what appears to be a dead planet, don't stop to check it out.
39. Never put your back to or lean on a door.
40. Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.
41. Never speak to clowns in sewers.
42. Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are really supernatural beings.
43. If you're running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Do not turn to look back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't see the maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you came because the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is now in front of you.
44. If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.
45. Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
46. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
47. Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.
48. Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in stock.
49. Finally, beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, or Alludium Q-36 explosive space modulators.
50. If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of Robert Ruark, african game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN."
51. If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.
52. If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on earth.
53. If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one.

18 Things Not To Say When Pulled Over:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey, you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
11. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.
12. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
13. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.
14. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "Cops"?
15. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
16. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
17. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far they are ahead of me.
18. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

51 Fun Things to do in an Elevator:

1. Make Race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
   "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP !"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell girl scout cookies
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peerling inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises
17. Stare, grinning, at another passengers for a while, and then announc: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown a mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a Box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to the other passengers "through" it
32. Start a sing-along
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica
35. Shadow box
36. Say "Ding!" at each door
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space"
41. Bring a chair along
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passengers: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in loooong strings
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
51. Ask: "Hello God, is that you?"